Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize