Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
