I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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