she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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