morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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