apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
