I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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