DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Houston, we have a squirter
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
