We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
it's like heaven, but drunker
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
