if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
