I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
