i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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