I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
