alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
