It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
