new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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