i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
