you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
