he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
