Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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