yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
