ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
