the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
