i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
