i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
