I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
