u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
