I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
