Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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