She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
