When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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