woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
We got so high we made milksteak
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
