I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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