I think im going to throw up on grandma
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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