Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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