see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
