I'm so fucking centered right now
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
