here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
