took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
The air taste purple.
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