either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
