I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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