Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
