i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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