He asked me if I "almost moaned"
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I want a musical about memes.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
