My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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