it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
