my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
