please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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