so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
