I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
