i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
What a dumb baby whore.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
