Why does Corona taste like a burp?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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