Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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