I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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