meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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