I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so let's talk penis.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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