we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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