I'm lost and stupid without you.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just saw a hot homeless man
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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